Friday, June 24, 2011

A Bit of Ang's Reality

Beautiful flowers in the sunrise

This morning upon arising, I knew it was going to be beautiful outside.  Yes I was correct.  After watering my Mother's Day flowers, I had to get a picture of just how beautiful this day was becoming.  If only I could freeze this time of day all day...I'd be one happy woman.

I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends the other day.  We were talking about how life really is, how raw it can really be at times.  I've struggled with this issue myself, oh, for about 33 years of my life.
We were discussing how many people "fake" their lives.  How they try and put on such a front to make others think their lives are beyond perfect and wonderful.  This morning's post is going to set that "fake" reality least for my side of the coin. 

Both Steve and I have been through ugly, awful, down right heart wrenching divorces.  I brought three children into the mix when Steve and I became a union.  There are days, pretty much every day, that I magically wish our blended family was more unionized and harmonized.  Every single day (when the kids are with us) I deal with children who argue with one another, relentlessly, to the point of my utter frustration.  I get told I'm hated, not liked, and a "mean mom".  There are days, a lot lately, where I don't like the way I look, feel, or even sound.  I wish I was five pounds lighter, my hair was longer, or even my teeth whiter and straighter.  I cringe when I'm at the pool with the kids and I have to walk past another woman looking better than me in her bathing suit, let alone a dad lying in his lounge chair gawking at every woman at the pool.  Even though it seems my type A personality forbids me to have a crumb, speck of dirt, or dust bunny on my floors in the house...well guess what?!  It happens.  There are days when I just don't care what the house looks like.  And yes, even though I have married the most incredible man on this planet, we still argue, fuss, and fight.  He's not perfect ladies, and either am I.  Guess you already knew that about me, isn't that what I'm writing about?  We fight about this and we fight about that.  We even fight about whether or not to add a fifth member to our family.  Oh Dear Lord!!  The thought of FIVE members makes me want to curl up and die.  The thought of me, Ang Hayes, sitting behind the wheel of a mini van, going to the grocery store, trying to keep a house clean, even think straight with FIVE kids?  Ahhhh, not a pretty picture.  Plus neither Steve nor myself are LDS or Catholic, so what's the deal?  We toss the idea around, we commit to it, we pull away from it, we sit and wait, wondering if we do nothing, that's the best option we have.  I have days where I feel lonely, feel as if all my friends have forgotten about me.  I wonder if I'm a good friend, a great friend, even a best friend.  I wonder if my husband still lusts after me.  Does he get that "look" when I undress in front of him.  The good look, not the grossed out look.  I don't always talk in the indoor voice to my kids.  I scream at them, I bark orders at them, and I even say things to them I need to come back and apologize for.  I'm a horrible daughter at times.  I'll go a week or more and not call or see my parents; call to see how my mom, who's had a stroke, to see how her day is.  Or see if my dad needs time away for an hour or two as her caregiver.  I don't always pick up the phone to call my mother in law to see how her day was.  And I don't always necessarily want anybody around me sometimes.

My list can go on and on about the imperfections in my life, in me, and in my family. I'm not perfect, I'm not always pretty, and I'm not always right.  But what I am is real and normal.  You usually won't get a sugar coated answer from me.  If you want the truth, come to me.  If you can't handle the truth, please don't ask me because you won't like me that particular day or if ever again.  The older I get, the more I realize there's no perfect woman, child, household, marriage or mom.  We all suffer from imperfections.  We all handle crisis in different ways.  There are times when the world seems to "fall apart", but there is one thing I know for sure that's perfect, and that would be God.  He is the one who allows me to be who I am and still loves me, guides me, and watches over me.  He allows me to be me.  He also has given me more greatness in this lifetime than I will ever know what to do with.  I thank Him for those blessings.  I also thank Him for giving me wonderful amazing friends, family, husband (singular here people) children (whether it be four or five) mother in law, parents, and yes myself to deal with daily.  Without my network of the above mentioned, how else would I be the most imperfect person on this planet, yet still be loved by them so greatly?

Today as you go about your day, think about all of the millions of people who you "think" are perfect.  Then reflect back on what I've written.  There's more of me out in this world than not.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ang! Two things:

    I LOVE that you are a morning person and can bust this out before the sun shows it's face... and trait I only WISH I was capable of having. :) My rantings typically end up posting during the witching hours of the night.

    Second, I LOVE how raw and honest you are. From someone who struggles with the same, I can totally relate!! Good for you for being so open and real about LIFE. I know in my own marriage/friendships/relationships, this is the one thing that helps me keep reality in focus and also helps me weed out those who aren't as genuine as I need them to be in order to have a good, quality relationship.

    It sounds like you and Steve have a WONDERFUL thing going on in your little corner of the world and I completely commend both of you for your hard work to make it exactly what you want it to be. Miss you guys (all six of you)and look forward to seeing you!