Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Expanding Heart

Love his "church boy" hair.

Go Broncos!!

I was gazing at all of the pictures we have stored on our Mac and came across these recent ones of Lucas. It got me thinking how blessed I really am. 

As you all know, I have four children. They say you love them all the same, but differently.  True, true, true.  I do love them all differently.  When I was married previously, I spent eleven years with my children's father.  Eleven years that formed me into a woman that I didn't know up from down, left to right, or even back to front.  I was a mother to three children in those eleven years.  

My life then was incomplete.  My life back then wasn't what it is now.  And my life then was all a blurr to me.  I'm asked almost daily by the kids,
"Mom, remember when...."
"Actually no, I don't remember when kids, I'm sorry."  I find myself not remembering anything from that time in my life that I know I should.  I only remember the times when I'd look at my other friends who had amazing relationships with their husbands. I remember looking at other couples who were madly in love.  I'd look at all of that and say,
"Hmmpf, that's not reality...they're faking it.  Truly they're not happy, it's all a facade."

Well, it's not a facade for some and not a facade to have an incredible marriage and family.

I find myself finally being in the place I want and need to be.  I'm 33, a mother of four children, a wife to the most incredible man, and have a great family.  I am now where I wanted to be fifteen years ago.  But God had other plans for me.  God directed my life to have struggles, turmoil, wrong choices, and heartache.  It was all part of His plan.  His plan makes me grateful for the life I have today.

I know I can't reverse back the clock to when I became a mother for the first time.  I know I can't take away the times when my three kids needed a mother, not a neutral, dead to the world being in the home.  And I know I can't take away the fact that I was a mother my kids didn't deserve.  Those kids deserved a much better woman, mom, and friend.  All of the traits I feel I am today.

I feel as if I owe them an apology for the mother I was back then.  An apology for not being the mother to them then that I am now.  I know in time, when they're much older, I will sit them down and tell them the story of my past marriage to their father, what went wrong and why, and to tell them how deeply sorry I am for not being the mother they needed at that particular time.

But for now, I praise God for giving me the ability to love my kids beyond the moon and stars.  For giving me the ability to have a "second" chance at love again.  To be able to look at Steve and have my heart skip a beat or two...now that's love...and that's the love I've always dreamed about.  Our love is not a facade.  I also praise God for the love my heart has for my four children.  I am the mother I have always dreamed about becoming to these kids now.  Yes, there are moments where I want them to all disappear, what mother doesn't?, but I am present for them now.  I am their mother and proud to call myself one.  Thank you God for allowing me to be able to stay home and raise them.  Thank You for allowing me to have a wonderful family.  It doesn't come without it's struggles, this I know as a blended family, but I wouldn't trade any of it for all the money or riches in the world.  God has finally placed me where I need to be, where I'm meant to be.  And for that, I thank Him for this opportunity to have an expanding heart.

I love my family!!

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