Saturday, December 31, 2011

Laugh of a Day

Yes, that says only 2%.

LoLo's war wound from Lucas.

He doesn't stay upset for long!

It seems as if I have less drama in my life when I chose to stay home all day versus venturing out into the world with four children.  Yesterday I didn't have a choice.  Anthony needed to go see Dr. Mindy for a well check.  
By the look of it, Anthony's not going to be a big guy anytime soon...poor boy.  His father isn't big and I certainly have absolutely zero height on my side, so the boy's really screwed!!  He came in at 2% for height and weight.  I explained to him that out of 100 kids his age, 98 of them weigh more and are taller than him.  The kid hung his head in shame.  I tried to cheer him up.
"You're still the biggest stud EVER!"  Somehow that didn't change anything with him.  
Dr. Mindy recommended Anthony get an extra 500 calories a day.  Waffle with peanut butter, eggs with a glass of milk, or even a bowl of good ol' fashioned ice cream.  HE NEEDS CALORIES!  Man, I wish that was the verdict for me when I go see the Dr.  The only time that happens is when I'm pregnant, and they've changed those guidelines now to only an extra 200 to 300 calories.  Lucky boy!
While we were there, Anthony had his friend Roger, his wart, removed.  What kid names his bodily abnormalities?  My kid does.  Roger was frozen, a band aid placed over him, and we could hear the trumpet playing Taps in the distant background.
It was back home for lunch and naps for the little ones.  Who am I kidding?!  It was naps for Mom and Lucas.  Well, what nap I could get with three other kids yelling and hitting one another.  I have succumb to not taking a nap while the other three are in the house.  It doesn't happen, it frustrates me, and I end up getting ticked at them for the rest of the afternoon because they won't let me, their higher being, rest for a few minutes in peace.  Oh well, a nap missed for me is nothing new.

I had promised Anthony he could stay home by himself when I went to Walmart earlier that day if he cleaned up his room.  He rushed downstairs, told me his room was spotless, then headed outside with both Juliebelle and Lauren.  I believed the kid, so I never checked his room.
20 minutes later, they all came inside the front door with muddy shoes.  Not a little bit of mud, not a lot of mud, but gobs of it on their shoes.  They each proceeded to remove their mud filled shoes right in the entrance and tried to act like it was going to be okay with me.
"Oh hell no," I said screamed!
"Get your little behinds outside and wash your shoes off."
"Well, then they're going to get all wet Mom."
"I don't give a crap if they're wet or not!  GET OUTSIDE WITH THOSE MUDDY SHOES!!!!!"
They proceeded to wash their shoes off by the side of the house in freezing water.  Anthony took his shoe and tried scraping the mud off on the side of the house.  I lost it at that point!  Just short of strangling that kid, I just resorted to screaming at him like a drunken drill sergeant. As I came back inside, I noticed mud on my walls and floors.  Anyone that knows me knows that's not allowed in MY home.  You're right, it's not.  My anger valve was past the red mark at this point. We were onto the explosive level now.
Let's put it this way, my neighbors all know my children's name, what they did, and the fact that I cannot stand my house to be dirty.  Enough said.

It was time to head to Walmart...Lucas was up from his nap.  Oh dear God how I despise Walmart.  I had to go because Winco doesn't carry what I needed and I wasn't about to go to two separate stores.  So I loaded LoLo and Lucas into the car.  Juliebelle wanted to stay home with Anthony while I went.  I actually felt better with her being home with him.  She seems to have a little more up there if you know what I mean.  I left my phone with them, asked them to repeat the rules to me and left.
As we were shopping away at Walmart, we heard what sounded like a huge storm.  Yes indeed it was!  We saw the lightening through the skylights in the store.  We had a major storm on our hands at this point.
"Great, the time I leave the kids home alone, this storm has to happen?"  I said to myself over and over.
After we checked out, I walked to the exit of the store.  There was a long line to get out.  People were waiting for the storm to pass.  Me, I wanted to get the hell out of that store and get to my kids at home who were probably scared out of their gourds!  I knew I had to make a run for it...it was pouring, windy as heck, and lightening was illuminating the entire sky.
"Miss, if you want to leave your kids with me while you go get your car, I can do that for you," said an old woman sitting in Walmart's electric wheelchair.  
"Ummm, that's okay, but thank you," I said.  
"You're crazy," I uttered under my breath.
"Or, I have a better idea Miss.  How bout you take one of those plastic bags and put it over their heads to protect them from the rain."
HOLY JESUS LADY!  I was beside myself at this old woman's suggestions.  I guess I was at Walmart ya know!  I politely declined her offer to put a plastic bag over my kids' head and decided to make a bee line for the car.  
I will tell you one thing...I usually park waaaay out in a parking lot.  I can't stand to get door dings by parking next to others, plus the exercise is nice too.  This night was no exception.  I parked in the furthest spot in Walmart's parking lot.  Yeah, I was not happy.
I told the kids to sit down, hang on, and here Mom goes!
I took my size four eight butt and ran as fast as I could to that car.  Mind you, there was slush on the ground from the hail.  Yes, I slipped a couple of times and almost toppled that damn cart with my precious cargo, but we made it!  I shoved the kids into the car so fast, I slammed LoLo's foot in the door.  Of course, she was screaming, which in turn got Lucas hollering.  I was a mess by then.  I got the groceries in the back and ran to get into the car.  Two screaming babies, I was wet as could be, and I slammed her foot in the door.  All I could do at this point was laugh my butt off!
We made it home in one piece and the crying had subsided.  I ran through that door faster than ever before.
"Oh my gosh kids, are you two okay?  I'm sure that storm scared you.  I'm so sorry I was gone."
"Mom, what's the big deal, we're fine.  And why are you all wet?  And why the heck is Lauren limping?"
I was ready to fall into a heap, but rather, I just laughed at all of the chaos.
(And by the way, Anthony NEVER cleaned up his room.  It was still the same disaster!  I will be checking before I promise that kid anything from now on!)

Dinner was over, it was time to play together before bedtime.  Out of nowhere, Lauren screams bloody murder!
"What happened," I said.
Through her sobbing little voice she said, "Lucas bit me."
I calmly walked over to him, said we don't bite and tapped him in the mouth.  Of course he burst out into a full pouting, screaming rage as if I beat him.  
They both calmed down, I soothed LoLo, and all was normal in the Hayes household until I hear,

"MOM!!! Get Lucas out of here!"
While Juliebelle was going to the bathroom, Lucas came in and dropped both remotes to the TV into the toilet.  The remotes were covered in urine, Juliebelle was embarrassed to have me see her on the pot, Lucas was laughing, and I was about to lose my dinner right there knowing I had to retrieve those remotes.
It got taken care of, I didn't lose my dinner, and I didn't even get angry.  I laughed instead.
8:00 couldn't come around fast enough.  It was time for Lucas to say goodnight and be done with his destructive self for the day.
As I was in bed recounting my daily woes, I thanked God for this opportunity to be my kids' mom.  I thanked Him for the ability to laugh it off and realize they're just kids.  And I thanked Him for giving me such precious beings.  Now if only He would allow such things to happen again while Steve's not at work.  :-)




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