I usually, if ever, post about serious, emotional turmoil in my life. Sure, I rant and rave and try to be comical about it, but the real hard core truth...usually I muffle it. But I find a topic I'm dealing with too hard to muffle and a topic others out there are struggling with too...I just know it!
Before Steve and I met, I was a stay at home mom for eight and a half years. I worked for my family, my children, and my then husband, doing the duties a SAHM would do...and I did it well.
When Steve and I married and had Lucas, my role as a SAHM transitioned into yet again, my role.
I have the world's most incredible husband. The world's best friends, mother-in-law, father, extended family, children, and am cared and loved for beyond measure by each of them. But I have been missing something. I have been quite unhappy and unfulfilled. I was starting, well I did, blame my husband and my situation as a SAHM for my unhappiness and my lack of contentment. I will tell you, because he never would, that I was making his life miserable, with a capital M!!! Until I had a talk. A talk with the best friend. She directed me, she listened to me, and she gave me the guidance only she knew I could handle.
You see, I put my needs, my desires, and my dreams on the back burner. I would feel guilty having any sort of fun, pleasure, or alone time. It was me who was in charge and responsible for taking care of the household duties, the children's needs, and my husband's needs as well...and I'm taking time away from that to do what I want? I felt selfish, not responsible, and more so, I felt angry. My lack of doing for myself made me harbor the emotions of being unhappy and unfulfilled.
I felt as if I was living and doing for everybody else but me. I was losing my self worth, my role as a woman, and the dreams and aspirations I was suppose to have, were non existent and never to be discovered.
I wanted, and still want to go to nursing school. I wanted and still want to own and operate my own flower shop someday, and I wanted and still want to learn how to operate my camera like a pro, not continually stuck in auto mode. I want all of these things, but I have put myself, yes, I have done it to myself, in this position to feel guilt. An emotion I'm sure many, many, SAHMs do. I want to become a woman who is Ang, not woman who is simply labeled, "The Caretaker."
I have slowly, but surely removed some of my guilt of becoming me. I'm not sacrificing being my husband's wife nor my kids' mother, but I am realizing in order to be the best at the mentioned, I need to be me too.
I know this issue is prevalent among other SAHMs. We tend to our families and put our needs, wants and desires aside. Then when the children are grown and no longer need us...where are we as women? Where do we fall into the social group? What are our dreams and aspirations?
I do think it's possible to have it all. And I do think it's possible to have it all minus the guilt and drudgery associated with what may follow if we choose to do for ourselves.
I can't begin to tell you how this new revelation has made me a better woman and mom. I am so excited to begin a chapter in my life where I can be Ang, but yet still mother and wife. I am so excited to be able to do both and actually be happy. Not angry, filled with guilt, and certainly not miserable internally.
My next venture is to enroll in a photography class. And yes, to enroll into nursing school too. The latter mentioned will take more planning and timing, but it's on my list. Oh, and my horticulture degree, that's coming right around the corner too.
But for right at this moment, I am thankful for the best friend who directed me this way. Directed me this way because she too, was where I was. Just like so many more of us.