Saturday, April 21, 2012

Trying Days

My husband made the comment to me the other day that I sound too negative when I post on my blog.  And that it makes me sound as if motherhood is too hard and frustrating for me. 
I vowed after that hurtful comment to stop blogging.  But instead I thought I'd clarify to him (for the times he does read this blog) and also to the rest of you if you happen to agree with him.

We are going through a very rough patch in our family.  
Anthony has decided to live with his dad for the next month.  I know why.  I don't allow Anthony to sit for hours on end on his cell phone, video games, tv, computer, or iPad.  I make him do chores and I make him do his homework religiously every single school night.  And I even try to force my gluten-free, limit your meat intake, no dairy kind of diet on him.  (Doesn't work, but I try)
After reading that, what kid wouldn't want to escape?  I sure would!
But looking through the eyes of an 11 year old, it must be tough and unfair here at the Hayes' household.  And it must be hard to have rules and a rigorous schedule.  I get it, I really do.
But what that kid doesn't get over at his dad's house is constant love, attention, and admiration from not only me, but Steve as well. Steve and I make sure that not only does Anthony get the "one-on-one" time he so desperately needs with each of us, but he also gets listened to, guided, and most importantly, respected.

Does my heart hurt because he doesn't have the desire to be with me?  Does my heart hurt because he'd rather have his electronics over spending time with Steve, Lucas, his sisters, and his mom?  Yes, it does hurt.  It aches and it feels like my title of mom has been stripped from me.

"Oh, it's natural for a boy to want to be with his dad."  
"Don't worry, he'll realize your house isn't that bad after all."
"Just remember, you want him to be where he's happy, right?"

Yes, the comments I've received from others.  They may be true, but still not helpful.  It's like telling someone who has just lost a loved one, "They're in a better place."  UGH!!  Please just close your lips and stop talking!!

It's been hard at our house because the dynamics Steve and I deal with are tough, rough, and sometimes just not fair.  It's hard, it sucks, and it makes me want to quit sometimes.  I know I'm in the position I'm in because of my choices, thank you.  And I wouldn't trade my position to be married to my best friend for all the gold in the world.  I love him.  I love the man he is.  And I love him for standing up to the plate and picking up the slack and dirt that has been placed before me.  I respect him for taking on my "baggage" that so happens to never un-pack itself.

I do hope that Anthony decides (one day) that life at our house isn't so bad.  That monetary "stuff" doesn't outweigh time being spent with one another and love that is shared between us.  And I hope he decides that "stuff" can't replace any amount of love or respect that I have for him.

I'm not negative.  I'm really not...I'm just a realist.  Really, I am.  But dammit, sometimes it's hard when you have kids tell you how much better their dad is, or how many trips they took to the mall last week, or the lack of rules, chores, and responsibilities they have while with their dad.  
I'm tired of it.  I'm worn out.  And frankly, I'm over it.

I have chosen to have the mindset, (thank you Steve for this great advice) that the relationship my kids have with me is the only thing I need to worry about.  Our house is the only thing that matters.  And yes, one day when the kids are 25, they will look back on the mother I was and hopefully thank me.  I know it's a long time coming, but it's what keeps me holding on.
I love my children to the moon and back.  And as any mother would do, I would sacrifice for them.  I feel as if I do, but somehow, not enough.  God is allowing these events to take place in my life.  Not to make me sad or even angry, but to build up my tolerance as a mother.  He's doing a really good job of it...a really good job.

So if I'm too negative in my posts, well, that's me.  I am who I am and I'm dealing with the cards that have been dealt to me.  I know I need to be tougher and more accepting of my hand, but that will take sometime.  Hopefully not too much time.

1 comment:

  1. WHAT THE SAM BLAZES? Those responses above had to come from some of our most elder family members? I have way to much to say about this, but I will keep the peace and not upset anyone. I'm going to pray that Anthony will absolutely come back home. He's our family and he needs to be home!